So Here I Sit in My Head

Finally made it to Palampur. The weather is so beautiful. I also am in total bliss because I get my own room for a whole week! Thank god! I am so fricking psyched. It’s 12:20 in the morning and I am sitting here writing on my laptop and listening to music with my light on. Everyone else has been asleep in their respective shared rooms for the last couple hours.

I am sitting here and thinking. Peace and quiet. Away from Delhi. The heat. The noise. ALL the constant irritations.

But I feel alone. For the first time some of my problems I had in the US are coming back to me. I haven’t had the time or energy to think about them until now. And I do not like thinking about it.

Calm is good, but my real life… uh. That’s why I liked India so much before, it just feels like a totally different world here, where I could escape.

I am not sure if that’s going to work this time.

I was told we end our work day at 12:30 here. Apparently, the schools and orphanages all close at that time because the hours are enforced by the government. That gives a lot of free time. Time to do whatever. And time for my problems to come back to the surface.

What I know:
What's created, can’t be erased. What has happened cannot change.

What’s best for me. What’s best for him. Whatever that is… I want.

I want to go back.

And for him to see me like he did before, but nothing like he did before.

I want to erase.

I have better decisions now.

Clearer decisions.

I want to do things differently.

I know I can’t.

And I’m not even sure I’ll get the chance to. I’m not sure I deserve it anyway.

How did I get here?

I never meant it and I never saw it coming.

I was irresponsible. But it’s not who I am. Please know this.

What’s wrong with me? How come I couldn’t just see? And now that’s all I want. It’s all I think about.

I think something’s wrong with me.

I don’t like where I’ve been the past 9 months, I know that.

Life is amazing. There is so much out there. Here I sit, in India. But I have no one here to share it with me. It’s not the same

To grow and become stronger. I hope smarter too.

I really needed a friendly voice tonight. I called 2 people and neither answered, and I’m super annoyed I spent probably 24 rupees on these calls – lol – so if I called you – feel special.

Kathy, so nice to hear your voice. I’m remembering what you said and am going to try not to be so hard on myself (all around). Afterall, it’s only been a week. I can’t expect everything I’ve come here for to get done in only 7 days.

Love, Janelle