Why?

So tomorrow I leave for India. As I’m packing, I was thinking I should sit and write an answer to the question many people have asked me.

Those who know me well, will better be able to understand. Those who know me not as well, will most likely not care so much about this post. So a little preface, if you are of the latter, future posts will promise to be more interesting.

I have been asked by so many people “Why?” followed by….”in the world would you want to go to India?…again?…in the middle of summer?…alone?” and slightly different variations of that. Followed by the second most popular question, “Why don’t you just go to Mexico?”

There are multiple answers. I literally could go on forever answering that, and have… Yet still at the end of my explanation, people look at me like I’m nuts. Or there are those that right out say I’m nuts… my dad and yes, Suda, are right up at the top of that list.

I’ll start with the simple and obvious reasons.

Why India? I fell in love with this country when we came before. To those who have never been, there is no place like India. I felt more alive there than I’ve ever felt before. Part of me is returning in hopes of attaining that feeling again. To be alive...

In India black is white…, black could be black…, but black may also be gray. (You’d have to have been there to get this.) I’m going to India to be brought back down to earth and to be slapped in the face to remember how good we have it here in America.

I’m going to India to escape from my greedy and selfish life I am living right now.

I’m going because I am bored with my life in North Carolina.

I’m going to be humbled by India’s beautiful people. .. Who have nothing… Yet have everything. Because things do not and cannot give you true meaning, value or real happiness. All of this comes from a deeper place. A place I need to find again.

I really want to see the Himalayas. I want to see the Dali Lama or at least his home. I want to learn how to make some more Indian dishes. I want to learn some Hindi. I want oh so badly to return to some of our favorite restaurants!!! Four Foods & Crazy Noodles are obvious MUSTS. I want oh so badly to return to all of my favorite shopping places in Ahmedabad. I can’t wait to see Gamer and his family (our driver and friend), also to see Mumta and her family (our neighbor and lovely, lovely woman who I spent a lot of time with while Sean was at work.) Such sweet people who make me happy to be around.

This could be a good stopping point for some of you – hahaha! But I guess I’m using this first post as part therapy, so here’s the rest…

When I look at the past year of my life, I see mistake after mistake I have made. This has been by far the most turbulent year of my life, emotionally and physically. Most days I feel like things have never been so messed up. And I think, how did I get here? How am I in this place? Then on other days, I feel like my life is more on track than it has ever been. (Those who know me well, are aware of the personal things I’ve struggled with this year. I won’t get into the details for everyone else.) But I can say that instead of facing what I should have, I was a coward and ran away. In the process, I found an even more beautiful mess to get myself into. So here I am. And here I run.

My physical self is probably the worst it’s ever been. One year ago, I was in the best shape of my life. Eating a strict organic, vegetarian diet that I adopted in India. Doing yoga 3 times a week, another habit picked up in India. I was working out 1-2 hours a day and seeing a personal trainer weekly. My rheumatoid arthritis was in complete remission and I had absolutely no symptoms.

Fast forward to today, where I am, like I said, in probably the worst shape I’ve ever been. The combination of my fat ass sitting at a desk job 8 hours a day… (ok, let’s not get carried away…working 8 hours a day is a little extreme) and a diet of almost constant eating out has invited my rheumatoid arthritis to come back full force, working full time. I’ve gained more weight this year than, omg, I even want to think about.

(Bare with me here because I’m going to give you a glimpse into my life.) I wake up in the morning and step out, not onto the carpet. But into cushioned flip flops, then onto towels that I have laid out onto my carpet that lead a path to my bathroom. Where I take a long hot shower, to get hot water onto my joints so I can move. Because moving/walking without a hot shower in the morning = impossible for Janelle. The thing about RA is you never know which joints, or how long flare ups will last, which makes this disease even more fun. Currently, my knees and shoulders have been my areas. When I wake up, I have to literally shake out my fricking legs – like a dog peeing – before I can take steps, because my knees are so inflamed. Laying in bed at night it feels like someone took a fricking shot gun to both shoulders, so a simple task like pulling the covers up is something that is time consuming and extremely painful for me. And definitely can’t forget my fingers and wrists. Putting on my bra in the morning – again something most people don’t even think about – for me, isn’t an easy task. It takes several attempts, trying very hard, sometimes I even have to stop and rest because I’m so pissed off and have to breathe, and mentally compose myself before I try again. My fingers in the mornings are like stuffed sausages – enormous. Most all of my rings, bracelets, and especially shoes, I wouldn’t even dream of trying to put on right now. There’s no way.

Why did I just write all that? Well, I honestly believe there is healing power in India. In the food, in it’s practices, in the air and in the spirit. I do. And I am venturing to the home of the Dali Lama. The town is only about ½ hour from where I will be for 2 full weeks, at the foothills of the Himalayas…where the air is said to have curative powers. Anyway, here, I plan to visit the Tibetan Herbal Clinic where herbal cures are used to treat the disharmony between the body and mind believed to cause illness. I honestly believe a month of clean living will do wonders for me. Last time I was in India, I came home symptom free, and this lasted until I screwed it up myself in NC. If this doesn't happen, I will keep my promise to Sean and myself, and return to western medicine - that I hate - and believe does more harm in the long run, than good in the immediate. But I'll go back to shots in the stomach and methotrexate......to make me like a zombie again. But I will, if this doesn't work.

One other physical reason I’m going… is to lose my ass. I am so uncomfortable right now it's not even real. I lost a ton of weight last time we were there. And I’ve already laid out my skinny jeans to greet me when I get back here in a month. We looked up the weather and it’s going to be around 108 degrees all next week in Delhi … Yea… I’m thinking I’m going to lose some weight. (Or I sure as hell hope so!)

Something about this country… I cannot say what precisely. But I need to go back. It was written I go back.

A select few reading this blog already knew this and understand my passion … and desire… and need to return.

And tomorrow I am.

I invite all of you to come along with me on this journey. I believe it will prove to be an entertaining and educational one…….(except for you Druschke, of course, who already knows everything there is to know about international travel… but I do hope you’ll come along and keep me company nonetheless;).

And like I said, future posts will promise to be more interesting.

I’m not sure how much I’ll be able to get to the computer, but it is going to be a priority. So I will write again when I can…

Thank you ahead of time for your company and comments. I have to admit... I’m also a little scared to be alone all the way over there by myself ... so by all means, please write:)

Love,
Janelle